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So...tonight's the night. Today after work I am going to meet a friend for dinner, and then the two of us are going to drive to my synagogue, and at 6:30 PM EST, I will begin my conversion ceremony and finally become a Jew.

I may throw up.

Sadly, that is not hyperbole, but also not how it sounds: I AM SICK! AGAIN! I went to bed Tuesday feeling fine and woke up on Wednesday with a stomach virus of indeterminate origin and now any time I eat solid food, I have to lie down and not move for awhile, lest I vomit. So dinner right before my ceremony will, interesting.


But I am not letting it bring me down. Oh, no. I am excited and so ready to do this and nothing can dampen my joy.

My rabbi asked me to explain to him why it was so important to me to convert -- after all, this isn't like Christianity where you have to be "saved" in order to receive some ultimate reward. (In fact, the question of an "ultimate reward" isn't even a factor. And if there is one, righteous non-Jews have equal access.) The best way I could describe it to him is thus:

Imagine you're driving down a dark and lonely road one night. You didn't ask to end up on this road, don't even know how you got here in the first place, but here you are. And then you get the flat tire of awareness and suddenly realize, "Hey! I'm on the wrong road!" But now you can't fix the tire, so you have to start walking, trying to find the right one. So you walk and walk and walk and finally, you find yourself at your own front door. But you turn the handle, and it's locked. You knock on the door, you ring the doorbell, and the door still doesn't open. You peek in the window and see your family and the warm comforts of home. You wave and knock and try to get their attention, but still the door doesn't open. You're home, but you can't come in, and so you just stand out there alone.

And now, finally, the door is opening.

That's how it feels. I read somewhere else a phrase that I immediately fell in love with -- someone described the process of converting as "being adopted," and that's true, too. The family inside the house I described may not be the one I was born to, but they're still my family. I still belong with them. They still care about me and want me to come in. They want me there and I want to be there, and until now, the only thing that's kept us apart is that door. But tonight, it opens. Tonight I can finally come inside and be embraced and they can finally do the embracing.

Yeah, okay, I'm pushing this metaphor, but that's how it feels, it really is. And I'm so happy that I get to come home tonight.
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Okay, so...yeah, it's been a long time since I've posted here or at LJ. I mostly moved to Tumblr because that's where all my fandoms went, but I hate how it's such a big no-no to post about personal stuff over there, and posting about RL stuff has always helped me work through it, so I need an outlet. And then I remembered my dreamwidth so yay.

So...yeah, shit's going down in my neck of the woods. Like, major, life-changing shit. Fun fact I haven't shared with anyone yet: you know how I've been studying Judaism for more than five years now? You know how I've literally wept over the fact that I'm not Jewish yet?

My rabbi and I have finally set a date. January 18th, 2013. Two weeks from today. I'm converting reform so I realize that not everyone will view this as a big deal because to them it won't mean I've converted at all. But to me and the people in my community, I WILL FINALLY BE JEWISH. I am so excited that I can't even put it into words. Every time I think about how close it finally is, I just burst into a huge smile and want to do a little dance and everything is just...wonderful. I may post the essays I had to write at some point, just to preserve my answers about why I'm choosing Judaism and why I feel like Judaism has chosen me. ANYWAY. SUPER EXCITING.

New topic: my Tumblr recently kind of...exploded because there was this post going around with this comic on it that ended with two gamer boys telling each other they loved the other and Rachael asked for fic and when she asks for fic I am basically powerless and so lo, there were 3,500 words of fic, which I then posted. And suddenly I went from having 120 followers (which seemed like a lot at the time...) to, at the moment, 378. And I guess for most people that'd be really awesome and cool but now I have this weird stage fright about posting over there because there are suddenly so many eyes on my Tumblr and I am nothing if not an anxiety-riddled, desperate-to-please slice of pathetic warmed over. So yeah, that's an odd place to be in, terrified to post to my own blog. *facepalm* I'm glad they liked it but I can't help it, this is just the way my brain works. :-P

ANYWAY. I may raid the Yuletide prompts/DYA letters again because I want to write but my brain is just like, "Ideas? What? No."

So maybe I'll do that this weekend, after I finally catch up on S5 of Mad Men. Although Rachael says she wants to watch Gravity Falls with me this weekend since I can't shut up about it, so we'll see.


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